you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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