Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
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On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
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Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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