Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
