I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
