I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
