why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
