i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
