somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
