I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
