My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
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It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
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My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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