she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
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