i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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