Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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