There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...