Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
