he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
