I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
