he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
lol hangovers are for mortals.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
