You really coming over, don't trick.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
