my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
