I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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