He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
