Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
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He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
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I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.