I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.