Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?