.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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