my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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