Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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