I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
