Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
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I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
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It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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