so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
