Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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