Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
