I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
