I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
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my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
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Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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