Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
