I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
