You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
