Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
