My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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