I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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