I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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