I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
