That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
