I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
