Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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