you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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