I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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