Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
