is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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