My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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