her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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