I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
