Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
