He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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