Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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