highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
