wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
