just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
