Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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